Skeletons in the Closet
by BearFeetz
Summary: RENTFic. Ever wonder what your characters are saying about you behind your back? Written entirely and completely for Shelby.


A/N: I'm in the process of writing pretty much a Collins/Angel novel right now, which may or may not ever make it to this site. I think I'm just gonna make it a personal thing, but I needed a break. So, I decided to dedicate an entire fic to making fun of myself.and someone else. ::hehe:: I sat down and this just kinda came out. It's stupid, pointless, and completely dedicated to my partner in crime. I basically posted it for her, but if you'd like to review, be my guest.  
  
Don't take this seriously. Actually, it's impossible to, so.yeah.  
  
Mark, Roger, Collins, Angel, Maureen, JoAnne, Benny and Mimi were grouped together in the closet, arms folded. Mark and Roger stood, leaning against the walls in boredom. Collins sat on a suitcase, chin resting in his hands, and Angel sat next to him, legs crossed, swinging one of them in a non-existent beat. JoAnne and Maureen sat on the floor, legs stretched out in front of them, playing Go Fish. Mimi sat Indian style on top of a work shirt, and Benny sat with his back against the door, tapping his fingers on a shoebox in the corner. 8 pairs of eyes stared at the doors to the small space, lackluster, and the ticking of the second hand on Benny's watch could be heard in the silence.  
  
"It's too dark in here," Mimi whined, reaching up to pull on the little metal chain that turned on the light bulb hanging from the ceiling. The space lit up, and the group sighed impatiently.  
  
"I'm starting to get dusty," Benny complained, picking a piece of lint off of his shirt. "C'mon, it's been a couple of weeks, already. Is she gonna use us at ALL or what?"  
  
"Who knows," Maureen commented, blowing a piece of hair out of her ear. "I'm getting pretty sick of waiting, though. I mean, jeeze, what was the last one I was in?"  
  
"Rainy Days and Very Weird Noises," JoAnne affirmed, swinging her feet in boredom. "I would know, because that was the last one I was in, too."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"Okay, that's it," Roger commented. He reached up and swung the fender guitar strap off his shoulder. "My neck's starting to hurt, I'm taking this thing off." He started to set it on the floor as Mark's eyes widened.  
  
"ROGER! DON'T! What's wrong with you?! You can't do that, what if she needs you in a few seconds, and she opens the closet and sees you broke the rule?"  
  
"What rule?" Roger asked, perplexed. Mark rolled his eyes.  
  
"I can't believe you guys aren't used to this by now. She's been doing this for three years, already! God, get with the program! You're never allowed to take the guitar off, Roger. Just like I'm not allowed to put down this motherfuckin camera. We have to be ready for use on demand, complete with whatever inanimate object has been designated to go along with us. She's gonna be really pissed if you're not ready with your guitar when she opens that door."  
  
Roger scoffed. "Yeah. Right. IF she opens that door." A beat. "Wait a second.we all have inanimate objects we need to be equipped with in the rare occasion that she should open the door and actually use one of us?"  
  
JoAnne looked surprised. "Yeah, didn't you know?"  
  
Roger looked shocked. "Well, what do you guys have?"  
  
JoAnne waved her black leather handbag in the air. Maureen held up her cowbell dutifully. Mimi revealed the small plastic bag of smack tucked in her cleavage. Angel held up his drumsticks, Collins his leather coat, Benny his cell phone.  
  
Mark looked triumphant. "See? WE'RE all ready."  
  
Roger scoffed again. "I don't know why you bother. It's not like she's ever going to USE any of us. I mean, c'mon. I think I've been in what, 2 of her fics? What has she ever done for me?"  
  
Collins smiled placidly. "Oh, c'mon, Rog. Give her a break."  
  
Angel nodded in agreement. "Yeah, once you get to know her, she's not that bad."  
  
6 heads turned in their direction, their eyes narrowed.  
  
"Oh, PLEASE!" Mark cried, his eyes wide. "Like you two have any right to talk! You're the only ones she writes about!"  
  
"Yeah!" Benny exclaimed. "Let's face it, she's practically in love with you two. She'd marry you if she could."  
  
"Couldn't agree more," JoAnne consented. "Bearfeetz is the most negligent author I think I've ever met! As if I'm not ignored enough in the fics! I've only ever even been MENTIONED in two, and aside from which, in The Bet, the ONLY reason I was ever even THERE was to cook dinner. Jesus," she rubbed the bridge of her noise placidly.  
  
Mimi scowled. "Come to think of it, you're right. And half the time I'm at the Cat Scratch Club, so it didn't matter. You never see me anyways."  
  
The others nodded in agreement. Suddenly, Maureen scowled.  
  
"What's so special about the two of you, anyway?" She demanded, narrowing her eyes at Collins and Angel. "I mean, Angel, you're supposed to be dead! You shouldn't even be around in these things!"  
  
Angel gawked. "Well, excuse me!"  
  
"I think it's nice!" Collins defended him shyly, rubbing his back soothingly. "I mean, for God's sakes, she's the ONLY ONE on that entire site who even BOTHERS to give us the time of day, and I for one appreciate it!"  
  
"Oh, that's not true," Mark offered, folding his arms. "There's that Shelby person."  
  
"OH! DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HER!" Roger cried, throwing his hands in the air. "She's even worse than Bearfeetz!"  
  
"Hey! I like Shelby!" Angel cried, his eyes wide. "Well, wait, except for that whole Lies story, but-"  
  
He was cut off by the sound of Tom whimpering. Angel turned to look at him, and his eyes filled with alarm.  
  
"Oh! Oh, I'm sorry baby, I know, I know you don't like it when I bring that story up, I just-"  
  
"That's still a very big wound, my Angel!"  
  
"I know! I know, I'm sorry, I was just trying to make an example."  
  
"Hmph." Collins pouted.  
  
"Oh, hmph yourself."  
  
"Honestly Collins, don't complain," Benny said, rubbing his neck tiredly. "I mean, remember that really cute one Bearfeetz wrote about the two of you meeting at the stoplight? That was nice!"  
  
"Oh, God, that was AGES ago," Mimi acknowledged. "But it was still sweet, you should be happy! And the one where you wrote Collins the Valentine's Day Letter."  
  
"Then there was that one where the two of you got married and KIDNAPPED ME," Mark offered, cocking an eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah! And by the way, you NEVER DID get those candlesticks," Roger said, looking at Mark pointedly.  
  
"Well, excuse me! I was shoved in a car and driven to Vermont, what did you want me to do?"  
  
"There are candlestick stores in Vermont!"  
  
"We were at a preacher's house!"  
  
"Exactly! He probably had candles! You should have asked!"  
  
"Well-"  
  
"Okay, okay! Jesus, JoAnne said, shaking her head and laughing. "We get the point! The thing is, you two," she looked at Collins and Angel, who had been watching Mark and Roger's argument with interest, "it's not that we HATE those two, it's just that, from time to time, we'd like to be mentioned. That's all."  
  
"Yeah," Benny said. "I mean, look at you two! Not a speck of dust on you! You're used all the time, and we're sitting in here covered in the shit because it's too much of an INCONVENIENCE for her to just PLOP us in a story from time to time."  
  
Angel laughed. "Yeah, well, not EVERY story with us has been sunshine and rainbows," he offered, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Yeah!" Collins defended. "I mean, half the time, it's just me watching him die! I hate it, I don't get it, why do they always want to make me sad?"  
  
Angel turned to him, and squeezed his hand. "Aww, sweetie!"  
  
"Honeybear!"  
  
They kissed, and JoAnne's eyebrows rose.  
  
"HEY! That's my word! You can't have it!"  
  
"Why not?" Angel said, holding in laughter. "You're never in the fics to use it."  
  
The others laughed, giving low whistles. JoAnne gasped, and narrowed her eyes.  
  
"That was low."  
  
"I'm sorry, sweetie," Angel joked, tugging on her sleeve. "I'm just saying, most of the time I'm dying."  
  
"Or you're already dead. Remember the one she wrote about me writing that really mad letter to you?" His eyes filled with sadness.  
  
"Yeah," Angel shuddered. "That was VERY upsetting, mind you!" A moment of silence, before he hit Collins' arm.  
  
"Ow! Why did you do that?"  
  
"That was a very mean thing to do!" He cried, tears shining in his eyes. "You made me feel really bad!"  
  
"It wasn't me, baby! It was Bearfeetz!"  
  
Angel sniffled. "I know, I guess.wow, you know what, now that we're talking about this, she IS pretty annoying, isn't she?"  
  
"She's NOTHING compared to Shelby," Collins said sheepishly, his cheeks turning red. "She keeps on sticking that Sasha person in all the stories, who I am still TOTALLY convinced is there for no other reason than to hate my guts."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that Russian guy!" Mimi laughed. "I like him!"  
  
"I like those twins," Mark offered. He then looked at Angel. "In that fic where she tried to have you set me up with someone, we got to talking cuz we went on a walk together, and they were really nice!"  
  
"They're not twins," Collins offered, his nose now turning red. "They're cousins."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that's right. I keep forgetting that."  
  
"See! She doesn't just write about us!" Angel cried, smiling at Mark. "She wrote about you, too!"  
  
Mark blushed. "Yeah, that was kinda nice.although of course, just like in all the other fics, I'm alone and miserable and need to be set up."  
  
"Hey, beggars can't be choosers, Mark," Roger said, shaking his finger. "You wanna be in more of their fics, you gotta appreciate the way they use you."  
  
"Yeah, I guess."  
  
"Also," Collins offered, his face now going really red. "We can't forget The Bet."  
  
"Oooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh....." A collective moan filled the closet, followed by several giggles.  
  
"Yeah," Angel said, forcing a smile, and picking at his skirt. "That was, um.not fun," he said, a twinge of bitterness to his voice.  
  
"Agreed," Collins squeaked out, stroking Angel's hair.  
  
"That was actually a pretty big hit, though!" Benny said, his eyebrows raising.  
  
"I know! There are like, 5 stories on there now that make references to that thing!" Mark giggled, shaking his head.  
  
Collins and Angel glowered.  
  
"Don't laugh! It was terrible!" Angel cried, swallowing hard.  
  
"You guys are complaining about not being USED enough by her?! Go through what we went through, and see if you still want to!" Collins said, pouting once again. "She can be really cruel!" Then, suddenly, he turned to Angel.  
  
"You know what, my love? You're right! The more we talk about those two, the less I like them!"  
  
"This is what I'm saying! Remember This Was Not Promising To Be A Good Day?"  
  
"ARGH!" Collins cried, his eyes wide. "Now THAT was horrible!"  
  
"Oh, yeah!" Mark laughed, his eyes twinkling. "That was the one where you two got into that really big fight, right?" He started laughing sinisterly.  
  
Angel glowered. "I wouldn't talk, Mr. I-can't-find-my-teddy-bear!!"  
  
Mark shut up, swallowed and looked away. Angel smiled, satisfied.  
  
"That was really bad!" Collins said, squeezing Angel's hand tighter. "I don't like it when they make us fight." He sniffled.  
  
Angel grinned warmly, and kissed him on the cheek. "That's okay, sweetie. I think that Shelby.um.released whatever she needed to get out of her system, I'm pretty sure we're safe. At least, for now."  
  
"I hope so!" Collins' eyes still looked a little teary. "At least, she BETTER," Angel said, eyes smoldering. "There better not be ONE MORE FANFIC where, just as I'm about to have the most incredible orgasm of my life, I fall off the fricken couch! That was just WRONG!"  
  
Collins blushed a very deep shade of red, and looked down at his feet. The others, in the silence, stared at Angel incredulously.  
  
He turned beat red, and fumbled with his hands.  
  
"I.I was just sayin.um."  
  
Cough.  
  
"HEY!" Roger cried suddenly, clapping his hands together.  
  
"WHAT?!" They all cried, looking up at him in alarm.  
  
"I just remembered something! I HAVE been in something else besides Rainy Days and The Bet!"  
  
"You HAVE?!" Maureen cried, jealousy flaring in her eyes.  
  
"Yeah! Remember that one that that Shelby person wrote, Angel, about me pushing you around when you were a little kid?"  
  
"DO I KNOW YOU!" Angel cried, his eyes big. "Yeah!"  
  
"Oooo!" Roger gloated, smiling widely. "I feel so special, now!" Suddenly, however, the expression melted into one of horror.  
  
"You don't think this means they're gonna start torturing me, too, now, do you?" Angel and Collins shared a look, before smiling evilly.  
  
"You never know, Rog. Those two practically live for us, and we STILL haven't figured em out."  
  
"Yeah," JoAnne scoffed, rolling her eyes. "They can be so RANDOM. Like that one where Angel was crying over cutting onions! What WAS that?"  
  
Benny laughed. "I thought that was funny! Even if I wasn't in it," he admitted, shrugging.  
  
"What's with the NAMES, anyway?" Maureen asked suddenly. "I mean, Bearfeetz? What's up with that? And is Shelby that other person's real name, or what?"  
  
"Nope," Collins said softly, his eyes now dry. "Shelby is the name of that Russian guy's boyfriend."  
  
"Well, sometimes," Angel laughed. "In half the fics they're together, in half, they're not, so."  
  
"Oh, yeah!" Mimi said, face aglow. "The blonde one, right?"  
  
"Mm hm."  
  
"And Bearfeetz?"  
  
"I have no IDEA where that came from."  
  
(A/N: NOR WILL YOU EVER! BUWAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA...)  
  
"Well, whatever," Maureen sighed, leaning against the wall. "You know what, I'm glad we had this talk. Now that you mention it, guys," she sighed, "maybe it IS a good thing that they like you best."  
  
"Yeah," JoAnne agreed. "Looks like we're not missing much." She winked.  
  
Angel giggled. "I don't know why you waste time getting mad at them, though," he said, twirling a piece of hair around his finger. "Aren't the REAL enemies those Mark/Roger slash people?"  
  
An explosion erupted in the closet.  
  
"DON'T EVEN GO THERE!"  
  
"OH, GOD, NOT THAT AGAIN!"  
  
"DO WE EVEN NEED TO.?"  
  
"I ALWAYS GET KILLED!" (That was Mimi)  
  
"Okay, okay!" Angel, terrified, held up his hands. "Just thought I'd change the subject. Sue me."  
  
The others grumbled, before sitting down again. Suddenly, they heard a noise outside.  
  
They froze.  
  
"Oh, shit," Roger whispered, eyes wide. "She's back!" Quickly, he threw his guitar back over his shoulder.  
  
The others gasped, moving quickly to get back into position.  
  
Suddenly, Bearfeetz opened up the closet of her New York City studio apartment. Her characters, looking very bored, stared at her dully.  
  
She laughed. "Sorry, guys, I gotta borrow my boys again," she apologized, yanking Collins and Angel by the arm.  
  
"Figures," Mark said, shaking his head.  
  
"Oh, please," Bearfeetz said, chuckling. "Don't even waste your time being jealous. You're gonna need all of that envy for Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails." She grinned evilly.  
  
"Snakes and Snails and..what?" Angel cocked his head, confused.  
  
"Just another little fic that you'll be seeing in the upcoming year, most likely," Bearfeetz said wickedly.  
  
"You or Shelby?" Collins asked timidly, almost as if he were dreading the answer.  
  
"Shelby! You think with the monster of a fic I'm writing about you two right now, I'd have any time to write another one!?" Bearfeetz asked incredulously.  
  
Angel giggled. "You just wrote this one!"  
  
Bearfeetz sighed. "I needed a break. Now I'm ready for the novel again." Clinging to their arms, she turned and gave the rest of the group, looking quite put out, a look. "And now that he brought it up, I JUST USED ALL OF YOU, so I don't wanna hear any more grumbling and bitching coming from this closet!"  
  
And with a cocky smile, she slammed the door shut. 


End file.
